I. In your AIM profile, there's no need to throw in loads of advertising space about your girlfriend/boyfriend/horse. Granted, I may be a jaded, single fool, but when your profile looks like this:
Baby, I love you. I love you. Oh baby I love you and miss you. See you soon. I love you. Baby, baby.
[Insert rows of nonsensical IM kissy-faces]
It's just annoying and disturbing. A subtle message is fine, but if you use either MUAH or those god-awful AIM faces (more on those in a sec), then AOL should spike you and you should be forced to communicate your rampant I LOVE YOU's through smoke signals you utterly whipped rose. (And that goes for you dickwads with the "Taken" Buddy Icons. Go **** yourself!)
II. Please stop with LOL. Only about .4% of people actually "Laugh out Loud" and they are retarded. And don't give me this ROTFLMAO (Rolling on the floor laughing my *** off). I'd actually like to see you try this just so you can snap your neck as you fall out of your chair. Good. Nothing to LOL about now, is there?
III. Don't IM just to say "HI." Talking on AIM is the fast food equivalent of actual conversations. Keep the messages short and sweet. I assure you, you are not that interesting of a person. And if you were, why am I talking to you behind a keyboard and miles of bandwidth?
IV. You don't have to IM someone every time they are online. Nobody is that interesting. The average person spends more time wiping their *** than talking to their parents. No one can be conversational every time you IM them.
V. Stop with these oblique away messages like "Not here", "Away", "Gone", or using an AIM face. If you had to ****, fine. Tell us, we're concerned for your well being. And for the love of god don't use the default away message: "I am away from my computer right now." Don't you get disappointed when you see that?
VI. If you are talking on a cell phone with someone and IMing that person simultaneously, you deserve the impending radiation cancer.
VII. Don't ever send more than 5 messages in a row to someone. All that beeping could give someone a brain hemorrhage. It sounds like a damn Star Wars movie on my computer!
VIII. Stop using AIM faces. This is the lowest point of human interaction. It is more evolved to go to your friend's house and throw your own **** at their face.
IX. If someone sends you a link or a song to download, you are not obligated to ever visit that link or download that song. Making a suggestion is fine, but don't pester them about it for days to come. You are interrupting their porn time.
X. Blocking someone is about the cruelest thing you can do to them. Worse than murder. So if someone ****es you off, don't block them. Ignore them. Fill them with doubt as to whether you are still at your computer. Blocking is basically the Agent Orange of AIM abuse. Savagely cruel, use only when necessary.
XI. One "Bye" is all that is needed to end a convo. Too many convos drag on and on like the first hour of Pearl Harbor. They look a little like this:
Homo69: Ok man, later.
Buttfuk27: Yea, take it east.
Homo69: Yeah I will
Buttfuk27: Later, dude
Buttfuk27: Oh hey
Buttfuk27: Did you finish your paper?
Buttfuk27: Oh okay, cool
Homo69: ok, seeya later
Buttfuk27: Yep, bye
Previous message was not received by Homo69 because of error: User Homo69 really left this time.
XII. Don't try to describe your looks in your screen name. If your screen name is SexyGurl25, and you look like the love child of ALF and Carrot Top, that's false advertising. Besides, it really isn't nice to trick MegaStud21, who is actually a 40-year-old unemployed bald man that installed a webcam in your shower while you were at class.
XIII. Girls, it is not necessary to make your profiles look like the lost works of Emily Dickinson. A couple of clever lines is fine, but honestly, no one's turning to your profile as their daily source of sonnets.
XIV. Don't just type "yea" to your friend when you have nothing to say. I understand the flashing IM is intimidating, and a lot of people need to have the last word, but the "yea" is basically IM code for: "I have lost a lot of interest in this convo, and was kind of hoping we could just drift apart peacefully."
XV. No more than two numbers in your screen name. Three is okay, but only if it's to signal your birthday. It's already hard to remember what you decided to call yourself online, we really don't need the first 100 digits of pi. If your SN is: Queef67483857, just shorten it to Queef67. Or just Queef. I can't imagine too many people picking that one, it's too honest.
XVI. Don't type "BRB" then drive to Mexico. BRB has a 10 minute window. After that, it's away message time. AOL should install a feature that will automatically send gay porn to all your friends under your name once your comp is idle for 11 minutes after a BRB.
XVII. You can tell the mood a person is in by how much they type. Example:
PeeWee12: Hey, man.
Meat10: Yo, what's up, dude?
PeeWee12: Hey, man
PeeWee12: Hey, man
Meat10: Go **** yourself.
= Not happy.
XVIII. Don't put quizzes in your profile. What is the goal, exactly? To figure out who is your most prolific stalker?
XIX. If the Internet kicks you off, and then you sign back on, it is your duty to re-start the convo. I don't know why this is, but if the other person IM's you with "kicked off?" they are obsessed with you.
XX. If someone sends you one of those IM's that say you must IM 10 other people, in order to save a child dying of leukemia in Indonesia, drive to his house and beat him to death with his own keyboard. Then, take a deep breath, and go check your email.
Introduction: My first article on this site (you call them articles—I call them "explosions of brilliance) was a little work I liked to call "The Golden Rules of Instant Messenger." Since that time, I've been laid by literally dozens of women, partied with rock stars, and accumulated more bling than P. Diddy's entire entourage. I've also become quite adept at writing fiction. Regardless, all great constitutions change over time, and that's what I'm doing, adding 10 new rules to the Golden Rules, because I care about you, the reader, the Instant Messenger Messaging. Yeah, I've been doing some drinking.
XXI. "Jackass is typing." "Jackass has entered text." "Jackass forgot to ****ING send anything!" About a year ago, AIM began that crazy "blahblahblah is typing..." feature that allowed the obsessive stalker in all of us to see exactly what the person we were IM'ing was doing at that very second, and allowed us to determine the promptness of their reply. This lights a particular fire under our asses since we can't just start typing something, decide that it might offend, and withdraw it. Oh no. Once the pilot turns on the "is typing..." sign, you owe the other person an IM. Now. Get on that. Hey, I don't make the rules. Well, actually...let's just move on.
XXII. Lose the AIM border/wallpaper thing. Whatever that crazy-*** border is on the side of your AIM box—drop it. It's distracting, and it makes the AIM box seem so intimidating. Also, it's mostly dumb girls using this, and they fill the box with a penguin throwing a snowball or a muffin's heart. I can't emotionally deal with all that symbolism, so please spare me.
XXIII. Please set your profile background color to—oh, I don't know—white? What's with these crackheads making their profile background yellow, and their font pink? I'm having seizures over here! I'm looking at a profile, not an 80's porno, tone it down a bit.
XXIV. Don't close the IM box after every IM. That's annoying, because you invariably close the IM box a second after the person has sent you a detailed paragraph on how to perform surgery on your own rectum. Now it's gone. And what do you say? "Uhh, could you please send that again?" Don't make them repeat it because you're a trigger-happy jackass. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. Repetition is a sign of stupidity. I've lost my train of thought...
XXV. Never quote yourself in your own profile. People aren't going to think you're smart or clever, get over yourself.
XXVI. Never put an AIM poll in your subprofile. Trust me from experience. No one answers them, and you're only going to get ****ed off when you look six months later and 2 people (whom you don't know) have agreed that yes, Cat Fancy is their favorite magazine pertaining to cats and cat enthusiasts.
XXVII. If you're in a relationship, and you're butt ugly, and your significant other is equally nas-tay, please don't leave little innuendous away messages about each other. This includes "In the shower...with you know who." "Under the sheets." "Doing what I love best with the person I love most." Yuck. I mean, I tend to eat while online. That's almost as bad as www.<< filtered for offensive content >>. Check it out, and you'll see what I'm talking about. Speaking of which...
XVIII. Don't send someone a link called "Funniest Thing Ever" that's actually a link to the Tubgirl. Or any other nasty-*** website. Sure it's good for a laugh with you and your pals, but won't someone think of the children?
XIX. Don't send someone a link to a clever little news story then burst into their room six seconds later to see what they thought. Listen, I have a fantasy baseball team, a website column, the occasional homework, dozens of porn sites, and ten computer viruses to contend with, I don't need to mull over the witty headline: "Cat Gets Firefighter Out of Tree". And yes, my roommate does this. And yes, he's getting stabbed in the neck next time.
XXX. If you're perusing a wonderful comedy website that features the author's screen name, don't IM him with inane stupidity. That includes asking the person if he is five years old because it appears so in his picture ('cause lots of five year olds write columns with words like "tit" and "****" and "douche".) This also includes IM'ing the author asking him who I am (I mean, who they are), then making up some lame excuse that you got the screen name in your pal's profile. You sit at a computer desk of lies!
That's all for now. IM safely.